You have no idea how it feels to not have your fears taken seriously for over two hundred years. To be told you won't turn into a monster because you're not so weak as that and yet feeling it clawing at you every time you smell a drop of blood on the air. To be afraid that one day you'll finally snap and hurt everyone around you.
And now it's happened. And I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect next. And you're using the same words he has used to dismiss me for TWO HUNDRED YEARS.
I was, and am not, dismissing your fears. I apologise for making it sound like I am.
But what would you like me to say? Would you prefer that I stand in the shadow of fear of what you think you could possibly do to me? Would you like me to say that I'm scared? Or would you prefer that I tell you that you should live in fear of something that I believe will not happen to you?
Red Wine, I understand that fear. I've hurt those close to me. I've killed someone close to me. I let myself slip and hurt others because of my own lack of self control.
[he could continue on that train of thought, but Dohalim also knows that this is absolutely not the time or place for that]
I'm not trying to dismiss your fears, or not take them seriously. I'd said those things because I simply believe that you would not give into those temptations so easily. And I have a feeling that Steak believes the same.
[well then it looks like Dohalim is going on a late night adventure to go find his dumb mans. for someone who usually second guesses his own decisions on what he wants and doesn't want, he's solidly made up his mind on this one.
so Red Wine shouldn't be surprised when he hears a knock on his door a while later. he can't let this go. his heart hurts for Red Wine, and right now he needs the company, as much as he probably thinks he doesn't]
[He doesn't expect Dohalim to come and find him because everything he knows about the man tells him that he won't. Everything that he thinks he knows tells him that Dohalim will simply agonise over having upset him or angered him and maybe that would be better, because maybe the less people who were close to him right now the better.
But when there's a knock, he doesn't need to guess who it might be. Steak doesn't knock.
He could ignore it, but he expects Dohalim might break down the door if he does. So he opens the door and stands there stiffly, unsure, his gaze wavering its way up from Dohalim's collar bone to his eyes.
And he crumbles, immediately, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man and pressing his face against his shoulder as a muted sob hiccups out of his chest.]
[he wouldn't have tried to break the door down. no, he'd do something more stupid, like camp out in front of said door until Red Wine either let him in or he was shooed away. either way, he would not have returned home for the rest of the night.
and seeing the other man in such a state, so different than how he usually carries himself, tells Dohalim that coming to see him was the right thing to do. more so when Red Wine pulls him in a desperate embrace, and when he hears that sob. his own arms instantly come up to hold onto the Food Soul, one hand pushed into his hair, and the other rubbing gentle circles on his back]
[The tips of his ears dip down low as he digs his fingers into the back of Dohalim's clothes and gulps in a few deep breaths. It's embarrassing to be seen like this - to even be like this - and it hasn't been like this the entire time. The fear and anxiety comes and goes in waves. Dohalim sounding exactly like Steak had just triggered a predictable downswing.]
I'm sorry.
[It's hard to say what he's sorry for. His anger? The state he's in right now? Maybe both, or something else entirely.]
I shouldn't have said anything. It wasn't something you needed to know.
[Dohalim's voice is soft, but even, but tinged with a subtle tone of remorse]
I should be the one apologising to you. Like I said, I did not want to make it seem like I was dismissing you, but I've managed to make it sound like I did.
[while he's been better, it seems like he still has a slight lack of filter sometimes. and he's gone and hurt Red Wine because of his words again. he's not surprised at the man's anger, it's warranted]
I asked you to talk to me. I'm glad you did. And if you want to talk more, I am willing to be a listening ear. If you want to get angry with me, I will accept your anger. It's alright.
[The truth of it is that he doesn't often let people in like that. He prefers to keep his troubles to himself and deal with them privately if he can, as much as he can, but with the level of intimacy that he and Dohalim enjoy he had felt it only wise to warn him ahead of time that something might happen.
He hadn't expected that the same words he had been hearing for two centuries would come from somebody who wasn't Steak.
Red Wine shakes his head a little against Dohalim's shoulder and sighs, relaxing slightly into the scent and solid presence of him. Does he want to talk about it? No more than he did when Dohalim first asked that question.]
It's difficult to know what to think of myself, right now. [Another quiet sigh. He pulls back enough to look Dohalim in the eyes.] I always hoped it wouldn't happen. That I'd be able to control it.
[as they pull away enough for Dohalim to look back at Red Wine, he lifts a hand to gently cup the man's face his thumb gently rubbing against his cheekbone. there are many things he could say to Red Wine, affirmations of what he thinks the man is to him, but he doesn't want to set him off again. he said he'd be a listening ear, so that's exactly what he'll do.
but Dohalim doesn't want to walk on eggshells around him, and he's sure that the Food Soul doesn't want that, either]
But now that it has... How would you like to move forward with it? What would you like your next step to be?
[He tips his head into Dohalim's hand and smiles very faintly, closing his eyes for a moment. This kind of comfort is what he wanted, really, and he should have realised that before he tried to broach the topic over something so impersonal as a text message.
At the question he opens his eyes again, the rich red already swimming lightly with soft amber flecks like points of light within the irises. What would he like his next step to be? Hmm.]
I'm not sure.
[He steps back then, pulling Dohalim into the room with him and pushing the door closed. Moving away, he pushes his hands into his hair and scrapes it back from his face with a sigh before letting his arms drop to his sides.]
I enjoyed it. Before I realised what I was doing, I liked it. I think that feels worst of all.
[Dohalim almost breathes out a sigh of relief when he sees the amber in Red Wine's eyes; he was worried for a moment that he'd never be able to see it again. that the man would pull away because he's that scared about hurting him. it's an anxiety that bubbles up slightly, the thought of Red Wine leaving him. in hindsight, he wouldn't stop him from leaving if that's what he truly wanted, but Dohalim can't help but feel a lump in his throat form at the very idea, and just how much it would destroy him if it were to happen.
but he pushes all of that down. now is not the time. he'll ponder on this later, then compartmentalise and shove it away into a corner of his mind so he won't have to think about it again. Red Wine hasn't left him, and that's all that matters.
not wanting to crowd him as he pulls away, Dohalim stands by Red Wine, only moving for more contact in the way of taking one of the Food Soul's hand in both of his, thumbs running along the back of his hand. it's a loose grip, in case Red Wine wants to pull away]
I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice, all things considered, but perhaps the first step is accepting that it happened.
That goes without saying. [Red Wine mutters. Hard to ignore it when the marks of what he had done were so evident on Steak's shoulder in the aftermath. How long had it taken for him to wash the taste of blood out of his mouth? Even then he hadn't been able to forget about it, with the taste lingering in his memory no matter how thoroughly he removed it from his tastebuds.
And he didn't hate it. That's the worst part of it all.]
I can't deny that it happened. That would be ridiculous.
[Throughout his existence Red Wine has felt like the only one who has ever consistently acknowledged the possibility that this might happen one day. And now...]
But that it could happen again, that I might be corrupted by this if I let it go too far...
[Dohalim falls silent again as he looks down at their hands. he chooses the his next words carefully, but as the person who usually seeks out comfort, he isn't sure what to say. a bit ridiculous, considering everything that Red Wine had said to him in his own times of need, that he can't say anything without the worry of angering the man again weighing heavily on his shoulders. he's said the wrong thing before in more than one occasion, after all, either in his own panic or ignorance of how heavy something like this is. perhaps he really isn't the right person to be talking about this to. but then again... does Red Wine have anyone else that he can, aside from Steak? what a misfortune on Red Wine's part.
he hums softly to himself, looking back up into those deep red eyes]
Maybe you have to accept that it is a possibility, rather than live in fear of it. I won't say anything along the lines of "make sure it doesn't happen again." But perhaps the fear is exacerbating these thoughts and worry. [Dohalim pauses for a moment, before continuing] However, I suppose me advising you to simply accept it is ignorant.
A little. [He huffs softly, pulling both of Dohalim's hands up and clasping them gently against his chest.
In the end he had done it and nothing terrible had happened to him, but who knows how far he could fall if he let himself give in to it again? Yet he knows in his heart that now he's done it once it's bound to happen again. The restraint that had been holding him back from that has been broken.
So would he be like Black Tea, who had gone almost entirely mad and was barely brought back from the brink? Or like prideful Lamb Chops who would never be fully accepted by his own kind or by society again, carrying the brand of his sin for all to see.
Or...
No. He wouldn't be like him.]
Perhaps I have made more of it in my mind than what it is. [Red Wine replies with a weary sigh. It's a heavy thought to carry for so long - the idea you could become one of the creatures you hunted.]
And I don't expect anyone to know how this... how it feels for me. Even Steak. Especially not you.
[Dohalim watches Red Wine for a moment before slowly, carefully leaning in to press a chaste kiss against the other's lips. he doesn't hold it for long, he pulls back almost instantly, still wanting to give him enough breathing room]
You mentioned it briefly. Would you mind explaining it more? So I can get a better understanding.
[he wants to know just how Red Wine is feeling, so he can better navigate and help him through this. but he also doesn't want to force him into anything...]
If you do mind, however, I am perfectly alright with leaving it at that. I just want to help you like you've done for me.
Edited (shakes fist at grammar and yells) Date/Time: 2022-04-06 09:51 (UTC)
[He worries at his lower lip for a moment then sighs and shakes his head, before tilting it to indicate that Dohalim should come in and sit with him, if he's a mind to.
Red Wine is going to sit, in any case.
His gaze falls down to his hands, a small frown creasing his brow, and he mulls over how to best explain it so that he doesn't sound like he's making a big deal out of nothing. Though, he fears that Dohalim has already made up his mind on that count.]
You know what I am. You know what I was made for - what my purpose is. It goes deeper than just wanting to help humanity. Helping humanity is the reason that I exist. If I can't do that...
[Trailing off, he tucks his hair behind his ear in an almost fitful gesture.]
If I become something that hurts people, there's no point in my existing at all. Falling to this temptation that has dogged me for my entire life could ruin me. That it 'might not' is irrelevant. Steak has never understood, because he always assumed I was too strong to give in to it. I suppose he was wrong, to an extent.
[Red Wine doesn't need to say anything for Dohalim to accept his invitation, sitting right by him, clasping his hand in between both of his. his fingers draw small circles against the smooth, pale skin for a moment, before drawing it up for him to hold against his chest.
Red Wine may be trying to tell himself that this whole thing is "nothing" but who knows more about making a mountain out of a mole hill than Dohalim himself? the loss of control and the fear behind it is something that he can relate to, but for his entire livelihood to be ruined because of it? Dohalim can't say that he carries that burden.
just what can he say to something like that? how can he console the Food Soul?]
I... Only know the surface of your partnership with Steak, so perhaps what I say may only be an assumption, but... Maybe he wasn't assuming that you were to strong to give into that temptation, but that he has faith that you won't fall.
Steak simply can't conceive of a reality where I would fall to something like that.
[And perhaps that is only a testament to strongly Steak does believe in him, but the way he has gone about displaying that faith has never made it come across as something supportive. Dismissing it over the years had only ensured that Red Wine had spoken of it less and less, while the ever-present tempation still remained.]
Our relationship is... complicated. [A sigh.] And it has only grown more complicated over the past few months.
[he'd only encountered the other Food Soul a small handful of times, so his opinion or knowledge of Steak doesn't hold much water. they've briefly talked about their relationship with each other (and the general consensus is that no matter what, their conversations end up in fights, albeit verbally or physically); Dohalim isn't surprised to hear of complications given the nature of Nippon.
bringing their hands back down onto his lap, Dohalim gently plays with Red Wine's fingers]
Would you mind telling me about it?
[perhaps a brief change in topic may help for a moment]
[Would he mind? Not really. Actually putting it into words is another matter. The feelings between he and Steak are complicated not only by the length of time they have known one another but also by how much they have been through together, and the promises they made to their first Attendants all those years ago.
He doesn't answer immediately, only presses his lips together and keeps his eyes lowered. Then he sighs - a slow exhale of air - and shakes his head.]
Steak was summoned before me, and we hated each other from the first moment we met. Our Master Attendants were courting, though, so we saw one another often. They seemed to find our disagreements to be amusing, if not exasperating at times.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninetydegrees
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You sound just like him.
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To be told you won't turn into a monster because you're not so weak as that and yet feeling it clawing at you every time you smell a drop of blood on the air.
To be afraid that one day you'll finally snap and hurt everyone around you.
And now it's happened. And I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect next. And you're using the same words he has used to dismiss me for TWO HUNDRED YEARS.
(no subject)
But what would you like me to say? Would you prefer that I stand in the shadow of fear of what you think you could possibly do to me? Would you like me to say that I'm scared? Or would you prefer that I tell you that you should live in fear of something that I believe will not happen to you?
Red Wine, I understand that fear. I've hurt those close to me. I've killed someone close to me. I let myself slip and hurt others because of my own lack of self control.
[he could continue on that train of thought, but Dohalim also knows that this is absolutely not the time or place for that]
I'm not trying to dismiss your fears, or not take them seriously. I'd said those things because I simply believe that you would not give into those temptations so easily. And I have a feeling that Steak believes the same.
(no subject)
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I have more than half a mind to come see you right now. I won't let you pull yourself away.
(no subject)
Shouldn't have said anything. Stupid.]
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so Red Wine shouldn't be surprised when he hears a knock on his door a while later. he can't let this go. his heart hurts for Red Wine, and right now he needs the company, as much as he probably thinks he doesn't]
(no subject)
But when there's a knock, he doesn't need to guess who it might be. Steak doesn't knock.
He could ignore it, but he expects Dohalim might break down the door if he does. So he opens the door and stands there stiffly, unsure, his gaze wavering its way up from Dohalim's collar bone to his eyes.
And he crumbles, immediately, wrapping his arms tightly around the other man and pressing his face against his shoulder as a muted sob hiccups out of his chest.]
(no subject)
and seeing the other man in such a state, so different than how he usually carries himself, tells Dohalim that coming to see him was the right thing to do. more so when Red Wine pulls him in a desperate embrace, and when he hears that sob. his own arms instantly come up to hold onto the Food Soul, one hand pushed into his hair, and the other rubbing gentle circles on his back]
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I'm sorry.
[It's hard to say what he's sorry for. His anger? The state he's in right now? Maybe both, or something else entirely.]
I shouldn't have said anything. It wasn't something you needed to know.
(no subject)
[Dohalim's voice is soft, but even, but tinged with a subtle tone of remorse]
I should be the one apologising to you. Like I said, I did not want to make it seem like I was dismissing you, but I've managed to make it sound like I did.
[while he's been better, it seems like he still has a slight lack of filter sometimes. and he's gone and hurt Red Wine because of his words again. he's not surprised at the man's anger, it's warranted]
I asked you to talk to me. I'm glad you did. And if you want to talk more, I am willing to be a listening ear. If you want to get angry with me, I will accept your anger. It's alright.
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[The truth of it is that he doesn't often let people in like that. He prefers to keep his troubles to himself and deal with them privately if he can, as much as he can, but with the level of intimacy that he and Dohalim enjoy he had felt it only wise to warn him ahead of time that something might happen.
He hadn't expected that the same words he had been hearing for two centuries would come from somebody who wasn't Steak.
Red Wine shakes his head a little against Dohalim's shoulder and sighs, relaxing slightly into the scent and solid presence of him. Does he want to talk about it? No more than he did when Dohalim first asked that question.]
It's difficult to know what to think of myself, right now. [Another quiet sigh. He pulls back enough to look Dohalim in the eyes.] I always hoped it wouldn't happen. That I'd be able to control it.
(no subject)
but Dohalim doesn't want to walk on eggshells around him, and he's sure that the Food Soul doesn't want that, either]
But now that it has... How would you like to move forward with it? What would you like your next step to be?
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At the question he opens his eyes again, the rich red already swimming lightly with soft amber flecks like points of light within the irises. What would he like his next step to be? Hmm.]
I'm not sure.
[He steps back then, pulling Dohalim into the room with him and pushing the door closed. Moving away, he pushes his hands into his hair and scrapes it back from his face with a sigh before letting his arms drop to his sides.]
I enjoyed it. Before I realised what I was doing, I liked it. I think that feels worst of all.
(no subject)
but he pushes all of that down. now is not the time. he'll ponder on this later, then compartmentalise and shove it away into a corner of his mind so he won't have to think about it again. Red Wine hasn't left him, and that's all that matters.
not wanting to crowd him as he pulls away, Dohalim stands by Red Wine, only moving for more contact in the way of taking one of the Food Soul's hand in both of his, thumbs running along the back of his hand. it's a loose grip, in case Red Wine wants to pull away]
I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice, all things considered, but perhaps the first step is accepting that it happened.
(no subject)
And he didn't hate it. That's the worst part of it all.]
I can't deny that it happened. That would be ridiculous.
[Throughout his existence Red Wine has felt like the only one who has ever consistently acknowledged the possibility that this might happen one day. And now...]
But that it could happen again, that I might be corrupted by this if I let it go too far...
(no subject)
he hums softly to himself, looking back up into those deep red eyes]
Maybe you have to accept that it is a possibility, rather than live in fear of it. I won't say anything along the lines of "make sure it doesn't happen again." But perhaps the fear is exacerbating these thoughts and worry. [Dohalim pauses for a moment, before continuing] However, I suppose me advising you to simply accept it is ignorant.
(no subject)
In the end he had done it and nothing terrible had happened to him, but who knows how far he could fall if he let himself give in to it again? Yet he knows in his heart that now he's done it once it's bound to happen again. The restraint that had been holding him back from that has been broken.
So would he be like Black Tea, who had gone almost entirely mad and was barely brought back from the brink? Or like prideful Lamb Chops who would never be fully accepted by his own kind or by society again, carrying the brand of his sin for all to see.
Or...
No. He wouldn't be like him.]
Perhaps I have made more of it in my mind than what it is. [Red Wine replies with a weary sigh. It's a heavy thought to carry for so long - the idea you could become one of the creatures you hunted.]
And I don't expect anyone to know how this... how it feels for me. Even Steak. Especially not you.
(no subject)
You mentioned it briefly. Would you mind explaining it more? So I can get a better understanding.
[he wants to know just how Red Wine is feeling, so he can better navigate and help him through this. but he also doesn't want to force him into anything...]
If you do mind, however, I am perfectly alright with leaving it at that. I just want to help you like you've done for me.
(no subject)
Red Wine is going to sit, in any case.
His gaze falls down to his hands, a small frown creasing his brow, and he mulls over how to best explain it so that he doesn't sound like he's making a big deal out of nothing. Though, he fears that Dohalim has already made up his mind on that count.]
You know what I am. You know what I was made for - what my purpose is. It goes deeper than just wanting to help humanity. Helping humanity is the reason that I exist. If I can't do that...
[Trailing off, he tucks his hair behind his ear in an almost fitful gesture.]
If I become something that hurts people, there's no point in my existing at all. Falling to this temptation that has dogged me for my entire life could ruin me. That it 'might not' is irrelevant. Steak has never understood, because he always assumed I was too strong to give in to it. I suppose he was wrong, to an extent.
(no subject)
Red Wine may be trying to tell himself that this whole thing is "nothing" but who knows more about making a mountain out of a mole hill than Dohalim himself? the loss of control and the fear behind it is something that he can relate to, but for his entire livelihood to be ruined because of it? Dohalim can't say that he carries that burden.
just what can he say to something like that? how can he console the Food Soul?]
I... Only know the surface of your partnership with Steak, so perhaps what I say may only be an assumption, but... Maybe he wasn't assuming that you were to strong to give into that temptation, but that he has faith that you won't fall.
(no subject)
Steak simply can't conceive of a reality where I would fall to something like that.
[And perhaps that is only a testament to strongly Steak does believe in him, but the way he has gone about displaying that faith has never made it come across as something supportive. Dismissing it over the years had only ensured that Red Wine had spoken of it less and less, while the ever-present tempation still remained.]
Our relationship is... complicated. [A sigh.] And it has only grown more complicated over the past few months.
(no subject)
bringing their hands back down onto his lap, Dohalim gently plays with Red Wine's fingers]
Would you mind telling me about it?
[perhaps a brief change in topic may help for a moment]
(no subject)
[Would he mind? Not really. Actually putting it into words is another matter. The feelings between he and Steak are complicated not only by the length of time they have known one another but also by how much they have been through together, and the promises they made to their first Attendants all those years ago.
He doesn't answer immediately, only presses his lips together and keeps his eyes lowered. Then he sighs - a slow exhale of air - and shakes his head.]
Steak was summoned before me, and we hated each other from the first moment we met. Our Master Attendants were courting, though, so we saw one another often. They seemed to find our disagreements to be amusing, if not exasperating at times.
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