A little. [He huffs softly, pulling both of Dohalim's hands up and clasping them gently against his chest.
In the end he had done it and nothing terrible had happened to him, but who knows how far he could fall if he let himself give in to it again? Yet he knows in his heart that now he's done it once it's bound to happen again. The restraint that had been holding him back from that has been broken.
So would he be like Black Tea, who had gone almost entirely mad and was barely brought back from the brink? Or like prideful Lamb Chops who would never be fully accepted by his own kind or by society again, carrying the brand of his sin for all to see.
Or...
No. He wouldn't be like him.]
Perhaps I have made more of it in my mind than what it is. [Red Wine replies with a weary sigh. It's a heavy thought to carry for so long - the idea you could become one of the creatures you hunted.]
And I don't expect anyone to know how this... how it feels for me. Even Steak. Especially not you.
[Dohalim watches Red Wine for a moment before slowly, carefully leaning in to press a chaste kiss against the other's lips. he doesn't hold it for long, he pulls back almost instantly, still wanting to give him enough breathing room]
You mentioned it briefly. Would you mind explaining it more? So I can get a better understanding.
[he wants to know just how Red Wine is feeling, so he can better navigate and help him through this. but he also doesn't want to force him into anything...]
If you do mind, however, I am perfectly alright with leaving it at that. I just want to help you like you've done for me.
Edited (shakes fist at grammar and yells) Date/Time: 2022-04-06 09:51 (UTC)
[He worries at his lower lip for a moment then sighs and shakes his head, before tilting it to indicate that Dohalim should come in and sit with him, if he's a mind to.
Red Wine is going to sit, in any case.
His gaze falls down to his hands, a small frown creasing his brow, and he mulls over how to best explain it so that he doesn't sound like he's making a big deal out of nothing. Though, he fears that Dohalim has already made up his mind on that count.]
You know what I am. You know what I was made for - what my purpose is. It goes deeper than just wanting to help humanity. Helping humanity is the reason that I exist. If I can't do that...
[Trailing off, he tucks his hair behind his ear in an almost fitful gesture.]
If I become something that hurts people, there's no point in my existing at all. Falling to this temptation that has dogged me for my entire life could ruin me. That it 'might not' is irrelevant. Steak has never understood, because he always assumed I was too strong to give in to it. I suppose he was wrong, to an extent.
[Red Wine doesn't need to say anything for Dohalim to accept his invitation, sitting right by him, clasping his hand in between both of his. his fingers draw small circles against the smooth, pale skin for a moment, before drawing it up for him to hold against his chest.
Red Wine may be trying to tell himself that this whole thing is "nothing" but who knows more about making a mountain out of a mole hill than Dohalim himself? the loss of control and the fear behind it is something that he can relate to, but for his entire livelihood to be ruined because of it? Dohalim can't say that he carries that burden.
just what can he say to something like that? how can he console the Food Soul?]
I... Only know the surface of your partnership with Steak, so perhaps what I say may only be an assumption, but... Maybe he wasn't assuming that you were to strong to give into that temptation, but that he has faith that you won't fall.
Steak simply can't conceive of a reality where I would fall to something like that.
[And perhaps that is only a testament to strongly Steak does believe in him, but the way he has gone about displaying that faith has never made it come across as something supportive. Dismissing it over the years had only ensured that Red Wine had spoken of it less and less, while the ever-present tempation still remained.]
Our relationship is... complicated. [A sigh.] And it has only grown more complicated over the past few months.
[he'd only encountered the other Food Soul a small handful of times, so his opinion or knowledge of Steak doesn't hold much water. they've briefly talked about their relationship with each other (and the general consensus is that no matter what, their conversations end up in fights, albeit verbally or physically); Dohalim isn't surprised to hear of complications given the nature of Nippon.
bringing their hands back down onto his lap, Dohalim gently plays with Red Wine's fingers]
Would you mind telling me about it?
[perhaps a brief change in topic may help for a moment]
[Would he mind? Not really. Actually putting it into words is another matter. The feelings between he and Steak are complicated not only by the length of time they have known one another but also by how much they have been through together, and the promises they made to their first Attendants all those years ago.
He doesn't answer immediately, only presses his lips together and keeps his eyes lowered. Then he sighs - a slow exhale of air - and shakes his head.]
Steak was summoned before me, and we hated each other from the first moment we met. Our Master Attendants were courting, though, so we saw one another often. They seemed to find our disagreements to be amusing, if not exasperating at times.
So how did you go from hating each other to... Whatever it is you have now?
[he knows how close the two Food Souls are, but he's unaware of just how tight of a bond they really have. with the nature of Nippon, and Red Wine's admittance that he and Steak had bedded each other, he's not at all envious of what they've done together. no, that would be rather hypocritical.
but, perhaps, is that what he meant by their relationship growing more complicated in recent months? it would only make sense]
What sort of bond do you have with each other now?
[Red Wine makes a face. How he thinks about Steak is one thing but actually saying it out loud is another issue entirely. He doesn't often keep much from Dohalim these days, but this...
The Food Soul shakes his head with a sigh.]
I don't... want to talk about it.
[Not right now, in any case. The evening has been troublesome enough already and he's already feeling far more fragile than he'd like.]
[Dohalim nods; he knows that there are some secrets Red Wine wants to keep to himself, and he doesn't want to pry, especially right now. perhaps it's because he doesn't want to anger the man, or maybe it's because of the vulnerability Red Wine is showing that is already leaving him exposed enough. either way, he drops the topic in courtesy of Red Wine's request]
You have nothing to be sorry for. If you want to talk about it at a later date and time, I am willing to lend an ear. If you don't, that is fine, too.
[he leans in for a quick, chaste kiss; he hopes it's a comforting gesture]
[He just nods. Even with as close as he has grown to Dohalim there are still some things he finds too difficult to talk about so openly. Red Wine often keeps secrets without even realising, burying things down deep so that they don't impact the people around him, preferring to simply deal with things on his own or not deal with them at all if need be.
The backing off is appreciated and he returns the kiss lightly, as quick as it is.]
I don't know. [A sigh. He rubs one hand over his face.] I'd like to just... stay here with you for a while. Would that be fine?
[there was no way he'd leave Red Wine alone like this. like the many times Dohalim has been caught in his own downward spirals, Red Wine had always been there to help. why wouldn't he want to repay him in the same way (to the best of his ability, at least)? he couldn't even think about leaving the man to deal with this fallout by himself.
he slides a hand up Red Wine's back gently, rubbing small circles to try to soothe him as he leans his head on his shoulder. his other hand is still holding the Food Soul's; Dohalim gives it a small squeeze to remind him that he's staying. he stays like this for a moment, before turning his head to kiss Red Wine's shoulder]
I love you.
[he slips the words out, to act as another reminder for him]
[He smiles faintly to the agreement. It wasn't a 'no', it's just a 'not yet', and maybe when he's feeling less shaken about things he'll be able to tell Dohalim what he wants to know without working himself up over it. Just the other man's presence is soothing even without the additional actions and he leans into him, glancing over when he speaks.]
I know.
[His fingers squeeze around Dohalim's once.]
I love you too, Do. I suppose we're as ridiculous as each other in some ways, hm...
[Dohalim is usually so caught up in his own mind that the fact that he never realised just how deep and hidden Red Wine's own problems are, and for some reason, it digs deep at how selfish he really has been. for the man to help him while having this fear in the back of his mind... he knows how private Red Wine is when it comes to himself, but that shouldn't be an excuse. of course, Dohalim will support the man however he needs, whenever he needs it. he just... has to be better at it.
he gives Red Wine's hand a squeeze back, before bringing it up to kiss the back of it]
But, as you've done for me countless times, I'm here to pick you back up.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ninetydegrees
(no subject)
In the end he had done it and nothing terrible had happened to him, but who knows how far he could fall if he let himself give in to it again? Yet he knows in his heart that now he's done it once it's bound to happen again. The restraint that had been holding him back from that has been broken.
So would he be like Black Tea, who had gone almost entirely mad and was barely brought back from the brink? Or like prideful Lamb Chops who would never be fully accepted by his own kind or by society again, carrying the brand of his sin for all to see.
Or...
No. He wouldn't be like him.]
Perhaps I have made more of it in my mind than what it is. [Red Wine replies with a weary sigh. It's a heavy thought to carry for so long - the idea you could become one of the creatures you hunted.]
And I don't expect anyone to know how this... how it feels for me. Even Steak. Especially not you.
(no subject)
You mentioned it briefly. Would you mind explaining it more? So I can get a better understanding.
[he wants to know just how Red Wine is feeling, so he can better navigate and help him through this. but he also doesn't want to force him into anything...]
If you do mind, however, I am perfectly alright with leaving it at that. I just want to help you like you've done for me.
(no subject)
Red Wine is going to sit, in any case.
His gaze falls down to his hands, a small frown creasing his brow, and he mulls over how to best explain it so that he doesn't sound like he's making a big deal out of nothing. Though, he fears that Dohalim has already made up his mind on that count.]
You know what I am. You know what I was made for - what my purpose is. It goes deeper than just wanting to help humanity. Helping humanity is the reason that I exist. If I can't do that...
[Trailing off, he tucks his hair behind his ear in an almost fitful gesture.]
If I become something that hurts people, there's no point in my existing at all. Falling to this temptation that has dogged me for my entire life could ruin me. That it 'might not' is irrelevant. Steak has never understood, because he always assumed I was too strong to give in to it. I suppose he was wrong, to an extent.
(no subject)
Red Wine may be trying to tell himself that this whole thing is "nothing" but who knows more about making a mountain out of a mole hill than Dohalim himself? the loss of control and the fear behind it is something that he can relate to, but for his entire livelihood to be ruined because of it? Dohalim can't say that he carries that burden.
just what can he say to something like that? how can he console the Food Soul?]
I... Only know the surface of your partnership with Steak, so perhaps what I say may only be an assumption, but... Maybe he wasn't assuming that you were to strong to give into that temptation, but that he has faith that you won't fall.
(no subject)
Steak simply can't conceive of a reality where I would fall to something like that.
[And perhaps that is only a testament to strongly Steak does believe in him, but the way he has gone about displaying that faith has never made it come across as something supportive. Dismissing it over the years had only ensured that Red Wine had spoken of it less and less, while the ever-present tempation still remained.]
Our relationship is... complicated. [A sigh.] And it has only grown more complicated over the past few months.
(no subject)
bringing their hands back down onto his lap, Dohalim gently plays with Red Wine's fingers]
Would you mind telling me about it?
[perhaps a brief change in topic may help for a moment]
(no subject)
[Would he mind? Not really. Actually putting it into words is another matter. The feelings between he and Steak are complicated not only by the length of time they have known one another but also by how much they have been through together, and the promises they made to their first Attendants all those years ago.
He doesn't answer immediately, only presses his lips together and keeps his eyes lowered. Then he sighs - a slow exhale of air - and shakes his head.]
Steak was summoned before me, and we hated each other from the first moment we met. Our Master Attendants were courting, though, so we saw one another often. They seemed to find our disagreements to be amusing, if not exasperating at times.
(no subject)
[he knows how close the two Food Souls are, but he's unaware of just how tight of a bond they really have. with the nature of Nippon, and Red Wine's admittance that he and Steak had bedded each other, he's not at all envious of what they've done together. no, that would be rather hypocritical.
but, perhaps, is that what he meant by their relationship growing more complicated in recent months? it would only make sense]
What sort of bond do you have with each other now?
(no subject)
The Food Soul shakes his head with a sigh.]
I don't... want to talk about it.
[Not right now, in any case. The evening has been troublesome enough already and he's already feeling far more fragile than he'd like.]
Sorry.
(no subject)
You have nothing to be sorry for. If you want to talk about it at a later date and time, I am willing to lend an ear. If you don't, that is fine, too.
[he leans in for a quick, chaste kiss; he hopes it's a comforting gesture]
Would you prefer to talk about something else?
(no subject)
The backing off is appreciated and he returns the kiss lightly, as quick as it is.]
I don't know. [A sigh. He rubs one hand over his face.] I'd like to just... stay here with you for a while. Would that be fine?
(no subject)
[there was no way he'd leave Red Wine alone like this. like the many times Dohalim has been caught in his own downward spirals, Red Wine had always been there to help. why wouldn't he want to repay him in the same way (to the best of his ability, at least)? he couldn't even think about leaving the man to deal with this fallout by himself.
he slides a hand up Red Wine's back gently, rubbing small circles to try to soothe him as he leans his head on his shoulder. his other hand is still holding the Food Soul's; Dohalim gives it a small squeeze to remind him that he's staying. he stays like this for a moment, before turning his head to kiss Red Wine's shoulder]
I love you.
[he slips the words out, to act as another reminder for him]
(no subject)
I know.
[His fingers squeeze around Dohalim's once.]
I love you too, Do. I suppose we're as ridiculous as each other in some ways, hm...
(no subject)
[Dohalim is usually so caught up in his own mind that the fact that he never realised just how deep and hidden Red Wine's own problems are, and for some reason, it digs deep at how selfish he really has been. for the man to help him while having this fear in the back of his mind... he knows how private Red Wine is when it comes to himself, but that shouldn't be an excuse. of course, Dohalim will support the man however he needs, whenever he needs it. he just... has to be better at it.
he gives Red Wine's hand a squeeze back, before bringing it up to kiss the back of it]
But, as you've done for me countless times, I'm here to pick you back up.
[he leans up to kiss Red Wine's cheek softly]
I won't let you fall.